sit down and listen to my sage relationship advice.
if you want to curry favor with someone, you need to thyme it right.
tread gingerly the first few dates. keep your cloves on.
pepper your conversations with compliments.
it’s not too big a dill, just be yourself.
use your acumin and you should be fine
begonia! get out of here you peony insect!
you lie, lack a sense of humor,
and are completely daffodull.
you don’t joke orchid around, let alone do standup.
i risked my neck to get you this comedy gig,
but now i wished i had kept mum about it.
i don’t know what in carnation i was thinking.
this is ranunculus; you are no comic at all!
in fact, you are now my worst anemone.
i’m getting daisy with anger and have grown impatiens.
you’d better leave before i get violet!
when magritting your interviewer for the first time, firmly shake their hand.
they will have a schedule to keep, so do not dilly dalí on pleasantries.
be ernst about your strengths and try to minimize your weaknesses.
try not to sound too arrogant, though (even though you might be duchamp of the world).
research the company beforehand – you don’t want to have to make answers arp.
remember to kahlo send an email tanguying the person for their time, and good luck!
hullo friends. sadly, this post concludes my east coast glove extravaganza. but don’t you worry! there are more gloves waiting in the wings to be rehabbed and exhibited for the joy of all!
in total, i brought back two gloves from dc and two from nyc, but i have a little secret: i saw lots of dirty homeless gloves in nyc but i couldn’t possibly rescue all of them. some were just flat-out gnarly and i didn’t have enough room in my suitcase for a buncha freeloaders. come on gloves, get a job! (kidding.. ha..ha..) but seriously, i rescued what i could! can’t fault me for that.
the two gloves from nyc came from central park and were found not too far from each other. the first glove was right by central park west and 96th street on a bench. it’s a really nice specimen and (as far as i know) the first mitten-type glove i have found. it has a faux fur trim and looks like a mitten from the outside, but if you stick your hand inside, each finger has it’s own compartment just like a regular glove. cozy! genius!
the second glove was on the fence surrounding the jacqueline kennedy onassis reservoir in the middle of central park. clearly, someone must have left both gloves there for me to find on my walk to the frick collection (an amazing collection of artwork in a mansion that you must visit sometime).
since it was chilly in nyc and i often had cold ears, i decided to turn the furry mitten into a hat for the blue gloveman. his beady red eyes just barely peek out from beneath the fur of his russian hat.
i’m happy to introduce you to our newest friend:
Cossack!
good day to you all. i can’t believe i’m saying this but it sure feels like bikini season is just around the corner. that’s the lovely thing about living in southern california: we have no winter! now i would not be saying the same for the east coast. oh, no. the winters over there are nipply as hell. i mention the east coast because, in fact, i was just over there for a trip to visit two old friends!
my first stop was washington dc to visit jessica, my friend and roommate from college. i stayed with her at her and her boyfriend adam’s place in virginia and took the metro or drove to dc to see the sights. my first night in virginia, i experienced my first real snowfall. it was BEAUTIFUL! i had never in person seen the transformation that a fresh blanket of pure white snow could make on a landscape. oh my gosh, it was just gorgeous (i think i said “beautiful” and “gorgeous” about a million times while i was there). but wow it was cold. every morning, i bundled up in at least 5 layers to prepare to face the day outside. despite the fact that my face was frozen, i enjoyed every little bit of dc.
since the weather had turned so cold, it was practically a guarantee that i would find at least one glove during my stay in virginia. i lucked out and found two during my four days there.
glove number 1 was found on a sunny day when the snow still covered the ground. adam, jessica, and i drove into dc to visit all the monuments. adam found a great parking spot right near the lincoln memorial and immediately after exiting the car, i spotted the little beauty.
jessica, ever the glove supporter, posed enthusiastically as i took a picture. adam put the glove in the car to wait for us while we went to visit the monument which, i must say, is breathtaking (even with the hundreds of bothersome tourists surrounding it).
jessica and i found the second glove on my last day in virginia. the snow had finally melted and the weather had warmed, just in time for me to leave. we had gone to dunkin’ donuts so i could see what the fuss was all about and she spotted the glove under a tree right outside the coffee place. again, she struck a pose which highlights the shimmery glove’s fabulosity. she then went on to tell me that i needed to carry around doggy doo-doo bags so that i would always be prepared in case of spontaneous glove discovery. she is so wise.
after dc, i ventured on to nyc for four more days and discovered two more gloves there, but you’ll have to wait for another day to meet them.
in the meantime, i wish to introduce this sprightly fellow who likes to unwind in the evening with a nice cold sassafras root beer. if you ever meet him, be sure to compliment his stately mustache (it took him ages to grow it).
give it up for Bonkle!!
happy new year, everyone! i hope you all had a wonderful holiday season full of friends, family, and good food. i know i sure did!
to begin, i must set up the story. this begins way back in november, at thanksgiving…
my dear friend jenna and her lovely parents joined my family for a thanksgiving feast at my house this year. jenna had come from texas and her parents came all the way from ohio. thanksgiving night, jenna and i had a sleepover at at her hotel in santa monica and spent the next day frolicking around the city. as our frolicking came to a close, we started our walk back to the hotel and came upon a pile of trash left by some careless hobo, no doubt (it’s santa monica).
amongst the pieces of debris, i spotted a diamond in the rough! an abandoned glove! hurray! but aw.. gross.. santa monica glove. thankfully, i was carrying two bags because i had bought christmas cards and a birthday present for my mom that day. i consolidated my purchases into the larger bag and used the smaller one to pick up and store the glove on its journey.
fast forward to christmastime. my good friend marken is back from new york city for the holidays and we are at knott’s berry farm with her mom, meg, and our friend beeta. why are we at knott’s? for a craft fair, duh! (what?) well, we are walking around this craft fair, unimpressed with the knick knacks and various homemade crap. i heave a sigh, expecting to leave the fair empty-handed, when i see a glove relaxing on the floor in a doorway! yay! i had no tissues or baggies to pick it up with, so this time i just sucked it up and picked it up with my bare hands and held it daintily between two fingers until i located some paper towels to wrap it in.
fast forward again to 2012 and after the holiday hubbub, i have time to sit down and make some glove dolls. these two are fairly straightforward and i know right away what i want to form them into. the santa monica glove is a plain black knit glove but the thumb lends itself so nicely into a long nose. the knott’s glove has cute rubber polka dots on the palm, so i want to highlight that feature. the pinky and thumb fingers become arms and the wrist hole becomes a mouth.
please welcome 2012’s first glove dolls:
Huell and Lon!
we had to stop for a photo, obviously! upon further inspection, i discovered that they are the kind of gloves with little flaps for the forefinger and thumb that you can secure back with a button if you need to use touch-screens. someone totally messed up by losing these babies! i REALLY lucked out this time!
their relationship existed in snippets.
he was knot her husbund,
but they blonded years ago.
that connection was permanent.
eventually they began shagging.
they moved to afro between being friends and lovers.
he would comb to the house when her husband was on business trips.
they misbeehived in all sorts of ways.
they hid the scandalous pixie took of her.
his visits were the highlight of her dreary life.
but suddenly they had a blowout.
he told her he dreaded being found out.
she begged him to reconsider, to talk it out over coiffee,
but he only said “i’m gonna have to mullet over.”
she listened to his voice fade away,
until all that was left was the buzz of an empty dial tone.
o queso yesterday was no gouda.
i woke up feeling bleu
realized i had ricotta cold,
i swissted my ankle while getting out of bed,
thought my coat rack was a muenster,
had asthma and couldn’t brie,
it was so cold out my teeth were cheddaring,
i feta cold but starved a fever,
a gorgon stole a wallet from my bag,
and i walked past 10 paneer handlers begging for change.
cheez whiz, it was a bad day!
dear diary, cindy peed on the carpet. arthur pawed at the door. homeless dude told me, “you carry oats. try lil bite of this.” i could see he had bar knuckles, the punching kind. my bf thor axed the homeless guy for me, but then accidentally crushed asians. that’s not what iraq needs right now!
